Why we really want sex in the dark…

Nearly half of Brits choose to have sex with the lights off, according to research! It could of course explain why the ‘grope room’ is always so crowded in the swingers clubs. Yes – apparently, forty-one per cent of the nation most often flick the switch to keep their lovemaking in the dark, a poll of 2,003 UK adults found. Mistress Maverick had a few things to say about that!

“So it’s true. Some survey shows keeping your partner in the dark is a good idea.

This appealed to me no end. I don’t want my old man to have any clue what I get up to.

But then I read the survey properly and it’s not about dirty secrets, it’s about sex in the dark. Apparently, lots of people prefer sex with the lights off, especially Devonians, presumably so they’re not reminded they’re shagging their siblings.

OK, it’s a joke in poor taste which I couldn’t resist. Don’t send hate mail, Old Man Wickens. It won’t get to me.

Back to the survey. There are plenty of reasons for keeping sex in the dark, it says. Shyness, tiredness and self-consciousness are just a few.

I’ve got a different view. Look around you. Who, in the 10, 20, 100 people in your life, would you like to see naked in your bed? My number is a big fat zero, like most of the men I’m thinking about. There’s just too much wobbling going on. The sound effects are bad enough, but seeing all that flesh rippling, and not in a good way, would be enough to get me reaching for the light switch and the bucket.

No, girls, we all know the main reason for turning off the light to turn on yourself is to fantasise. If you’re illuminated, not only can your best beloved see your ingrowing toenails and underarm stubble (depending on which way up you are), he can observe you’ve got your eyes tight shut and a smile on your face. That’s not a good look for a romantic soul. He’s likely to say, “Look at me, my dear sweet precious” and your eyes will fly open half way through your day dream of foreplay with Beckham. Letting out an involuntary groan of disappointment is not the best way to keep him interested.”