If you want to be better at Sex – then learn to LOVE yourself!

It’s simple. The power of your own sexual attraction flows directly from your body confidence and positivity….your belief in your own sexual attractiveness.

Men and women alike are not great at ‘being themselves’ when it comes to self-promotion. It’s nothing new, but I believe it’s magnified in modern times. How many of us are Tinder or Bumble users, looking for love? We all choose the best angles, the best smiles and the filters to make ourselves look better than we are, but in reality all the filter is doing is blinding others to who you really are. Facebook walls are a reflection of how we would like to be seen!

I’m not a skinny girl; ‘I have curves – and I’m not afraid to use them’. Ok, that’s just a line. I am constantly deleting photos from my phone, or de-tagging myself from pictures on facebook. I don’t like the way I look on camera – but I’m so bloody lucky to look the way I am. I’m older, a bit squishy around the edges – and I have, as a result of illness, permanent dark circles under my eyes. (My gosh – a filter does wonders for them!)

I have two very beautiful daughters. One in particular is always huffing and puffing at herself in images. She’ll take 100 selfies before she get’s it ‘just right’. Then that selfie is posted to a chorus of ‘love you babe’, ‘gorgeous’, ‘lit’, or little hot fire emojis! Is it for a confidence boost? Who knows.

In the west, fatness is viewed as morally reprehensible, especially in the under 40s – phew, I’m now 41! As a nation we have bought into the idea that weight is a matter of self-control. Being overweight somehow represents a failure, a lack of desire for self improvement. But, this is simply a cultural value, and not an absolute. In countries where hunger is endemic and occasionally devastating, the female ideal is fleshier. Under such circumstances, fatter usually equals healthier.

Yet here in our developed world, millions of women, men, girls and boys accept the heavily promoted view that slimmer equals healthier and more attractive. In extreme cases slimming is excessive and obsessive leading to illnesses like anorexia and bulimia. I have sadly known many people in my life that this has caused serious issues for.

Far from rejecting their femininity or masculinity, these (usually) young people behave like this because they believe that it makes them more desirable; more feminine or more masculine and this is their way of striving to achieve it.

But I know from personal experience and from conversations on this very subject that the sexiest thing of all is body confidence – a sense of comfort and ease. After all, the film ‘I feel pretty’ is based on that; losing your unease with your shape and appearance must surely be the pre-requisite for making the most of one’s heritage to sexual pleasure.

To question one’s acceptability as a sexual partner is assuredly to place a hurdle in your pathway to sexual pleasure. Whilst such anxieties are common, the variety in size and shape of women and men is great and the diversity of taste extensive – there is someone for everyone if you are confident enough to ‘put it out there’.

Everyone has inferiority complexes – longer penises, larger breasts – believing that in this case bigger is better. But size has so little to do with erotic ability, sexual attraction, or satisfaction.

Why is it that as humans we look for total perfection in everything? Scientists say that the most attractive faces are those that are asymmetrical and yet we prescribe to the opposite rule. We turn towards surgery for those who can afford it! Facelifts, tummy tucks, reductions, reconstructions, implants, transplants, sucking it out or injecting it in; all means of achieving a physical reality more in keeping with one’s fantasy.

The distinction between aesthetic and cosmetic has seemed to have blurred. It is not a semantic superficiality if it eases a conscience or bolsters feelings of self-worth. The desire to be attractive, or at least better looking, it’s not solely narcissistic. Good looks increase feelings of self worth and self confidence, a great deal of well conducted research confirms that good looks smooth the way for many every day relationships, whether they involve strangers, friends or lovers. Certainly, good looks open doors, but no amount of muscle building, slimming, or surgery will compensate, or at least not for long, for an insecure personality which, in turn, means a lack of sexual confidence.

Biologists readily accept that the force of appearance is very strong and see it as a part of a consistent evolutionary trend in which mating behaviour is triggered by physical signals. Indeed most of us would prefer social interaction to be based on something less fortuitous and more substantial than looks. But, as we all know, good looks also have the downside. They can actually put people off such as “He’s a good looking bastard and he knows it”, “She’s a conceited bitch”.

So I guess the message here is – stop worrying. If you were to stand at some of the swinging parties that I have witnessed, you’d know that it just doesn’t matter when it comes to sexual attractiveness whether you are firm or fuzzy, pert or plump – it’s about confidence and fun. Those that see the most ‘action’ are the bodies that don’t hide away. They get out there and have fun – in fact, you could say that they are Brazen – and it works!


With thanks to SEX Watching by Milton Diamond