The chances are that if you are contemplating a step into the swinging world, you’ll have experienced something already that amounted a dabble, probably after a few drinks, at college or on holiday with friends. But now, as a couple, deliberately planning your first swinging experience can be daunting. You are taking a big leap of faith – not only with each other, but also with the organisers or hosts and the other people involved. You’ve heard rumours of a venue, reports of a ‘special’ party scene, heard all the urban myth-ery about the ‘goings-on’ in car parks or discreet houses. Heck, you want to find out the truth and enjoy the fun! No doubt you will have already done some research online, maybe joined sites like FAB Swingers, even spoken to someone else that has done it before (or more likely been regaled quietly with a knowing smile and tales of what somebody’s friend told them). The butterflies of excitement and nerves will all work for you – once you get them to fly in formation!
Here’s one guide that should help to allay some of those fears. If you think we’ve missed something out – then let us know and we will add it to the list.
- Choose to visit a swinger club before arranging a private meet up, or attending a private party. It is far less intimidating! If you are lucky enough to know a swinging couple, they might introduce you – but ask yourself carefully whether you actually want to ‘play’ with people you know in the ‘real’ world. There is usually a social area similar to a bar or nightclub and you can chat freely with people – or just stand quietly in a corner and observe. There is NO judgement if you decide it’s not for you and go home after a few drinks and conversations!
- Have an open and clear conversation with your partner about what you want to do – and what you don’t. Many couples decide that they will play with other couples but NOT have sex. This is a ‘soft’ swap. That is widely accepted. Some couples want to watch and then use what they have seen as stimulation. For some couples, only one of them will take part in actual sex whilst the other watches – other couples are very happy to do a full swap. Other people get their kick from being watched. It is SO important to have that decision in place before you go – and stick to it. We can all be tempted to do something more when in the heat of the moment, but remember that there will other times to do it – and that in the case of swinging, unlike life, it is better to regret the things you DIDN’T do than the things you DID. One frequent issue is – are you happy to kiss a stranger? Many are – but many decline the snogfest as it can feel too intimate.
- Have a safe word – or signal. Sometimes we can find things going on for too long, or feeling uncomfortable, or deciding that we no longer want to be doing the thing we are engaged in. It is important to let your partner know quickly and concisely – but sometimes we want to also do that privately. Three sharp squeezes of the arm, or three taps might suffice. Or a phrase such as ‘I think I need a long rest now’ could work well for you both and avoids upsetting anyone else. Remember that there is more than one ‘partner’ involved now and you also have to communicate with your playmates! Don’t be afraid to say what you want, and how you want it.
- What if you bump into someone you know. Don’t be scared – be happy! You have no idea how great it is to have friends that are swingers too. It means you can chat to them, discuss things openly and share experiences. You may not want to be physical with them – and that’s fine. You’re both there for the same reason – and therefore you both have the same fears. Embrace it! You’ll walk away sharing the same secret, so you can feel pretty safe.
- Do not be concerned about being being touched without permission, or forced into situations where you are not comfortable. The swinging community is very open, polite and respectful. Most of the public areas are clothed (and this can be underwear or smart clothes – it’s up to you) and the more intimate behaviour takes place in separate areas or rooms. Unwanted contact need never exceed a light touch – generally the stroke of a bottom. It’s easy to pleasantly communicate a ‘no thanks’ – and it will always be respected.
- If you are bisexual, or not sure (and many people develop within themselves as they progress, so don’t feel that anything has to be set in stone) – you are in charge of what you do. In our experience there are far more bisexual women than straight women which means that orgies and one-on-one play is fun. But for men – the general rule is that they are straight (or play straight) and there is an polite avoidance of touching each other unless stated otherwise. If you are not sure, then say so. If you don’t enjoy something – say so. If you are both straight – then say so. There is never any judgement.
- Just because everyone is a swinger, does not mean that you have to be attracted to them! Just like normal life, there may well be people that excite you and there may be people that you know will NOT turn you on. You might surprise yourself though – how someone feels in the dark can be a turn on whereas how they look in the light is definitely not! Be polite – but be firm. If someone invites you to join them, or asks if you would like to play with them, just say ‘thank you – but we’re not playing at the moment’. They won’t take offence – it’s just how it is.
- Personal grooming. Ok – so this is a funny one I know, but it is important. Take heed, this comes from experience! It is very rare that women have a full bush going on! Most women are fully shaved from back to front – and that goes for legs and underarms too. It’s cleaner – and it is just more pleasant. A small well-groomed ‘landing strip’ is acceptable, but that’s about it. Men tend to be shaved or trimmed, and well-groomed too. Waxing is widely available for men nowadays and is to be recommended. Stubble grinding against stubble is not always pleasant. And make sure you smell nice!
- Ok – loo paper. Sorry ladies, but this is something that I HAVE to mention. Cheap loo roll can stick in tiny fragments to your bits and bobs. It isn’t pleasant for a man or women to then find those little bits in their mouth in the heat of the moment later! I take a packet of female wipes with me – it is so much better.
- Safe sex. There are people that will say that they are ‘bare-back’ swingers. The risks inherent in unprotected sex are all too obvious. Condoms are usually freely available at all of the clubs but should you be a big or more petite boy – then I would take your own to be sure. Make sure they are in reach – the heat of a passionate moment can knock all sense from your mind! If you are playing with someone you can feel free to say to them, ‘would you like to put on a condom’ which generally will mean ‘it’s ok with me if you want to have sex’ – or vice versa. Do not share condoms if you are having an orgy – always change. Plus, girls, it’s always better to keep reaching down and checking everything is still in place; they can fall off, and you can’t feel it if they do. Make sure your partner watches out for you as best they can. ALWAYS play safe.
- Your arrival clothing is up to you. Sometimes there is a dress code – usually ‘dress sexily’. Well that’s a tricky one for a man. But wear something that makes you feel good – and sexy. In the main, women will wear a dress with their sexy underwear underneath, plus a pair of heels. For men, they’ll be a mix of jeans and a shirt or sometimes a suit. Read the rules of the venue and respect them. For the ladies we suggest you take a spare outfit and underwear. If the night goes very well you might find yourself a little ‘soggy’. A change of underwear is a must. Sometimes your outfit may also get stained or marked, so spare is always handy – and a change of outfit can also start the tongues wagging over again (literally). You’ll get bolder as the night progresses!
- Drinking and eating. Many clubs have a bar and some will advise you if there is a nearby bar or pub that people will congregate in first. But it is so important not to get too drunk – despite you perhaps needing a few to calm your nerves. Many a night has been ruined by drink – from people being sick, to having an argument, being loud and abusive – or simply being unable to perform. Take it easy! Invariably, the only ‘bad behaviour’ seen at parties arises from too much booze. And one of you is likely to be driving home…
- Every body type is accepted and every age (over 18). You can be super curvy, or have one leg, you can be super skinny or aged 80. Everything goes. This is a world that is happy and relaxed. Different events may set varying parameters, but there will always be the right place and people for you – and you will always be special to someone else.
- Oh – and one thing more: nobody will be throwing any car keys into a bowl to see who gets who! That’s all I’m going to say about that!